Dear Aunt Bee,
Why is it that once i shag a dude, i lose interest in him even if the shag was super? i always get this feeling that i want to move to the next one. i feel like a female praying mantis 'the sexual predator'! i sort of enjoy this but am afraid that its going to affect my chances of getting married....my future plans! Please help.
Sharon
Dear Sharon,
My advise to you is to shag like a guy.Shag,shag, shag until there are no more guys to shag in Nairobi and you have to rewind the guys youve already shagged or move to another county. Eventually, your conscience will get to you and your shag button will turn itself off automatically.When youre ready to get married, get a guy who doesnt speak a word in English. Then he wont be able to hear the gossip and the rumors about the greatest shageress that ever lived in Nairobi.
Aunt Bee
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
NOISY NEIGHBOUR
Dear Aunt Bee,
I have a neighbour whose sexual exploits are disturbing all the other neighbours. His woman "cries" for about three hours continously.Is it normal for a round of sex to last that long.Your own experience of how long a round should last( and how many rounds a night) would suffice.
Thanx.
I have a neighbour whose sexual exploits are disturbing all the other neighbours. His woman "cries" for about three hours continously.Is it normal for a round of sex to last that long.Your own experience of how long a round should last( and how many rounds a night) would suffice.
Thanx.
Tim
Dear Tim,
Dear Tim,
The reason why youre listening to your neighbour's three hours of moaning is because you aint got a sex life yourself!!I mean, if i were her neighbour and I heard that I would get turned on and start my own session.So, get a girlfriend.
About the duration, everybody is different.For me, the longer the better.I can be up to it the whole night but most guys can do two rounds a night.For me, it takes 3 rounds.The first is the warm up.
But this is not abt me.Its about you and your non existant sex life.Get one!!!
Aunt Bee
The reason why youre listening to your neighbour's three hours of moaning is because you aint got a sex life yourself!!I mean, if i were her neighbour and I heard that I would get turned on and start my own session.So, get a girlfriend.
About the duration, everybody is different.For me, the longer the better.I can be up to it the whole night but most guys can do two rounds a night.For me, it takes 3 rounds.The first is the warm up.
But this is not abt me.Its about you and your non existant sex life.Get one!!!
Aunt Bee
TOUGH CHOICE
Aunt Bee,
I have been having a list of girlfriends with most of them just being casual friends or drinking mates, its time I want to settle down with just one of them. I fully understand that for me to bake that life-time cake of mine (the better half), a few eggs have to be broken, but my problem is how do I do it.
Confused
Dear Confused,
Now, you might want to find out if the "girlfriends" also want to settle down with you instead of assuming that they do.Maybe they just like you for your silly stories when youre drunk or coz you throw them a round or two.When youre ready to shortlist, then you can use the secret ballot, mlolongo style ama picky picky ponkie.Just make sure you invest in a bullet proof vest.
Aunt Bee
I have been having a list of girlfriends with most of them just being casual friends or drinking mates, its time I want to settle down with just one of them. I fully understand that for me to bake that life-time cake of mine (the better half), a few eggs have to be broken, but my problem is how do I do it.
Confused
Dear Confused,
Now, you might want to find out if the "girlfriends" also want to settle down with you instead of assuming that they do.Maybe they just like you for your silly stories when youre drunk or coz you throw them a round or two.When youre ready to shortlist, then you can use the secret ballot, mlolongo style ama picky picky ponkie.Just make sure you invest in a bullet proof vest.
Aunt Bee
STUCK ON YOU
Aunt Bee,
What advice to married cheats,men & women about the KISUMU Naselica Hotel 'Kukwamana/shikamana saga' auntie? Yaani some things are hard to believe,,,is there some explanation about the saga occurence? it is biologically explained;;;;Vasodilations/vasoconstrictions? after excess anxiety na ku'perspilate!
Ama is it some other Kao's uchawi theories.
Can this occur to me and my galfie?
Rob
Dear Rob,
I must confess that i found it hard to believe the "Kushikamana" theory as well but im informed by reliable sources that it does actually happen. I hear that the 'dawa' used to 'lock' one's spouse is obtained mostly from Coast. Sometimes the man's things can dissapear and all that is left there is a hole.
So all i can say is stay away from people's husbands and wives. Maybe this is the solution to all the infidelity going on in Kenya. About u and your galfie Rob, make sure she isnt somebody else's and im assuming that wewe si bwana ya wenyewe
Aunt Bee
What advice to married cheats,men & women about the KISUMU Naselica Hotel 'Kukwamana/shikamana saga' auntie? Yaani some things are hard to believe,,,is there some explanation about the saga occurence? it is biologically explained;;;;Vasodilations/vasoconstrictions? after excess anxiety na ku'perspilate!
Ama is it some other Kao's uchawi theories.
Can this occur to me and my galfie?
Rob
Dear Rob,
I must confess that i found it hard to believe the "Kushikamana" theory as well but im informed by reliable sources that it does actually happen. I hear that the 'dawa' used to 'lock' one's spouse is obtained mostly from Coast. Sometimes the man's things can dissapear and all that is left there is a hole.
So all i can say is stay away from people's husbands and wives. Maybe this is the solution to all the infidelity going on in Kenya. About u and your galfie Rob, make sure she isnt somebody else's and im assuming that wewe si bwana ya wenyewe
Aunt Bee
THE WANKING JUNKIE
Dear aunt Bee,
Am addicted to wanking (you know.. taking matters into my own hands... literally). I do it everyday in the bathroom while showering (Geisha lasts as long as a mother's love). The conditioned reflex is so serious that whenever I look at my open right hand palm, I automatically get a hard-on. Please help me stop it.
yours,
Soap- struck
Dear Soap-struck,
Excuse Aunt Bee for a sec while she laughs.
BWAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Ok.
Now, They say that if it is you hand that will cause you to sin (and prevent you from reaching heaven) then cut it off. Youre not exactly sinning but your addiction is harmful to your health.
You could be in an important meeting making a presentation and youre demonstratig something with your hands then you see you very open right hand palm then u get a monstrous erection. The meeting will be very uncomfortable from then on. SO I have to help you fast.
Here are possible solutions.
1) Cut off your right hand.I mean, its better than cutting off your mean machine like some lunje dude did!!
2) Tatoo something really nasty on that palm.Something that turns you off completely.Then when u look at it, hautasimamisha (you wont get a hard-on)
3) Shower without soap and with very cold (or very hot) water to reduce the time you spend in the bathroom.
4) Use the methodology i gave to Mukovero and Joe to get yourself a girlfriend.
Yours truly,
Aunt Bee
Am addicted to wanking (you know.. taking matters into my own hands... literally). I do it everyday in the bathroom while showering (Geisha lasts as long as a mother's love). The conditioned reflex is so serious that whenever I look at my open right hand palm, I automatically get a hard-on. Please help me stop it.
yours,
Soap- struck
Dear Soap-struck,
Excuse Aunt Bee for a sec while she laughs.
BWAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Ok.
Now, They say that if it is you hand that will cause you to sin (and prevent you from reaching heaven) then cut it off. Youre not exactly sinning but your addiction is harmful to your health.
You could be in an important meeting making a presentation and youre demonstratig something with your hands then you see you very open right hand palm then u get a monstrous erection. The meeting will be very uncomfortable from then on. SO I have to help you fast.
Here are possible solutions.
1) Cut off your right hand.I mean, its better than cutting off your mean machine like some lunje dude did!!
2) Tatoo something really nasty on that palm.Something that turns you off completely.Then when u look at it, hautasimamisha (you wont get a hard-on)
3) Shower without soap and with very cold (or very hot) water to reduce the time you spend in the bathroom.
4) Use the methodology i gave to Mukovero and Joe to get yourself a girlfriend.
Yours truly,
Aunt Bee
HOW TO GET THE SHAGZ GAL
Andi Pee,napendako kukushukhuru sana kwa kutusaidieko kwa hii maneno chafu.Ningeulisako kuna huyu mutem anaitweko Nepukhulu kutoka Khayega ambao inafanyeko damu yangu nakimbia 100 km na chuma yangu kusimama 90 dikiris.Kuna vile naweza kufanya anipatieko hiyo kitu yake!!!,na nikishindweko nawesako kuongea nawewe musuri?
Youass Truli,
Mukovero
Aunt Bee, I have a similar problem as Mukhovero.Only that you will need to replace 'Nepukhulu' with 'Lady XXY'.
Chilling out here 4 the answer!
Joe
Dear lovestruck Mukovero ,
Sasa ile chitu utafanya, kwanza umpatieko Nepukhulu maneno matamu.Umwampieko file ako na sura nzuri kama ya malaika, meno meupe kama masiwa,na yeye tu ndio samaki kwa pahari yako. Halafu ununulie yeye fitu kama Mafuta ya ng'ombe ya kuchipaka kwa mwili,Liquid paraffin ya kupaka kwa nywele na rexona ya kuogea, na umuchunie miwa kwa shamba akuleko.
Halafu paata ya muta kitoko utafanya ile wasungu wanaita "move in for the kill"
Umupate kama anaenda mtoni kuchota machi na umupatie maua msuri ya hipiscus.Halafu ukishamuongelesha fisuri umuguse kitoko kwa matiti.Ukiona amesikia utamu uendelee kumukusa ukielekea jini.Sasa ukiona anafurahia endelea hivyo hivyo mpaka akupatie fitu hapo hapo kwa mahindi.
Ukishindwa pasi wewe huna maana kwa hifyo hata mimi pia sikutaki.
Joe,
Apply the same methodology on Lady XXY and let me know how it goes.Of course it only applies if she is born, bred and living in shags.
Aunt Bee
Youass Truli,
Mukovero
Aunt Bee, I have a similar problem as Mukhovero.Only that you will need to replace 'Nepukhulu' with 'Lady XXY'.
Chilling out here 4 the answer!
Joe
Dear lovestruck Mukovero ,
Sasa ile chitu utafanya, kwanza umpatieko Nepukhulu maneno matamu.Umwampieko file ako na sura nzuri kama ya malaika, meno meupe kama masiwa,na yeye tu ndio samaki kwa pahari yako. Halafu ununulie yeye fitu kama Mafuta ya ng'ombe ya kuchipaka kwa mwili,Liquid paraffin ya kupaka kwa nywele na rexona ya kuogea, na umuchunie miwa kwa shamba akuleko.
Halafu paata ya muta kitoko utafanya ile wasungu wanaita "move in for the kill"
Umupate kama anaenda mtoni kuchota machi na umupatie maua msuri ya hipiscus.Halafu ukishamuongelesha fisuri umuguse kitoko kwa matiti.Ukiona amesikia utamu uendelee kumukusa ukielekea jini.Sasa ukiona anafurahia endelea hivyo hivyo mpaka akupatie fitu hapo hapo kwa mahindi.
Ukishindwa pasi wewe huna maana kwa hifyo hata mimi pia sikutaki.
Joe,
Apply the same methodology on Lady XXY and let me know how it goes.Of course it only applies if she is born, bred and living in shags.
Aunt Bee
ORGASMS
Hi aunt Bee,my problem is this.....i screwed a womann of 2 kids but the moment i was introducing my memmber,she was like ai ai sssssaaaa was it coz of pain or just erotic?
Stan
Dear Stan,
Orgasms
Of course by now you must know that there are different kinds of orgasms..
1) the positive orgasm: 'Oh yes, ohh yesss, oh yessss!'
2) the negative orgasm: 'oh no, ohh nooo, oh nooo!' ...the spiritual orgasm: 'oh god, ohh goddd, oh goooddd!'
3) the fake orgasm: 'yesss..are u cooming??..i aaaaaamm...awwwww!!'
4) the indian orgasm: 'nehi baabi..nehiiii nehii....'
5) the ghetto orgasm: 'sh***et!!...awwwwww f****ck!!!.. f***##*cckk!!'
6) the instrumental orgasm: 'oonnnh,aaaeeeh,iiioo,uuuu eaaaaeeiiooohh' and finally
7)the luo orgasm: 'aiyooo..aiyooooooooohhh wuololooooo...maiyooooo..thoo...kanyo...beeebiii....kanyo'
8) the luhya orgasm: 'timbili...uuuwiiii...munduuuuuuuuu....wasee...sanaaaaawe kaikaikai....i...am gaaamiiing!!!!..'
9) the kalenjin orgasm 'koongoiiiiiiiiiiiimisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing....mamingala..kisooop bamong'ooo.ghaleeeeeeeeeeeey'
10) the kisii orgasm: 'obeeeeeeeeeeee...naaaaaaaaaakure.....gakiiiiinousuuuuuuuuuu..........nobaaaaaaaaaa.......keiiiiiiii'
11)the kikuyu orgasm: 'nindirokaaaaaaa.....ndiroooka!! weeeeeee....meeeeeniiiiii... coka ....wo...... wo.... wo..woooiii..... ngaaaaaaaiii........ningumia'
12)the uganda orgasm: 'eeeiche bambi.....neeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii!! weeeeeee....
Now, my point is different women have different ways of expressing the sensation they feel during sex.Some are loud, some are soft, some just lie there like logs. Sometimes its pleasure, sometimes its pain, sometimes its both.
You need to get to know a woman in order for you to know how she expresses herself.Otherwise its hard to tell on the first night unless maybe you ask her.
I ran a guy out of the bedroom once because he thought i was feeling pain though it was my trademark pleasure moan.Clearly, he had never heard a woman moan before.
And I hate when a guy asks "Am I hurting you?". And something else women hate is a guy saying "nyamaza" or "wacha kulia".I mean, what happened to freedom of expression?Unless youre hiding something? Id rather a guy puts his hand over my mouth when im too loud.I like that.
I hope Ive answered your question.
Yours truly,
Aunt Bee
Stan
Dear Stan,
Orgasms
Of course by now you must know that there are different kinds of orgasms..
1) the positive orgasm: 'Oh yes, ohh yesss, oh yessss!'
2) the negative orgasm: 'oh no, ohh nooo, oh nooo!' ...the spiritual orgasm: 'oh god, ohh goddd, oh goooddd!'
3) the fake orgasm: 'yesss..are u cooming??..i aaaaaamm...awwwww!!'
4) the indian orgasm: 'nehi baabi..nehiiii nehii....'
5) the ghetto orgasm: 'sh***et!!...awwwwww f****ck!!!.. f***##*cckk!!'
6) the instrumental orgasm: 'oonnnh,aaaeeeh,iiioo,uuuu eaaaaeeiiooohh' and finally
7)the luo orgasm: 'aiyooo..aiyooooooooohhh wuololooooo...maiyooooo..thoo...kanyo...beeebiii....kanyo'
8) the luhya orgasm: 'timbili...uuuwiiii...munduuuuuuuuu....wasee...sanaaaaawe kaikaikai....i...am gaaamiiing!!!!..'
9) the kalenjin orgasm 'koongoiiiiiiiiiiiimisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing....mamingala..kisooop bamong'ooo.ghaleeeeeeeeeeeey'
10) the kisii orgasm: 'obeeeeeeeeeeee...naaaaaaaaaakure.....gakiiiiinousuuuuuuuuuu..........nobaaaaaaaaaa.......keiiiiiiii'
11)the kikuyu orgasm: 'nindirokaaaaaaa.....ndiroooka!! weeeeeee....meeeeeniiiiii... coka ....wo...... wo.... wo..woooiii..... ngaaaaaaaiii........ningumia'
12)the uganda orgasm: 'eeeiche bambi.....neeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii!! weeeeeee....
Now, my point is different women have different ways of expressing the sensation they feel during sex.Some are loud, some are soft, some just lie there like logs. Sometimes its pleasure, sometimes its pain, sometimes its both.
You need to get to know a woman in order for you to know how she expresses herself.Otherwise its hard to tell on the first night unless maybe you ask her.
I ran a guy out of the bedroom once because he thought i was feeling pain though it was my trademark pleasure moan.Clearly, he had never heard a woman moan before.
And I hate when a guy asks "Am I hurting you?". And something else women hate is a guy saying "nyamaza" or "wacha kulia".I mean, what happened to freedom of expression?Unless youre hiding something? Id rather a guy puts his hand over my mouth when im too loud.I like that.
I hope Ive answered your question.
Yours truly,
Aunt Bee
INTRO
Introducing, Aunt Bee, your sex therapist. Ask all those mind boggling (or is it waist boggling, hehe) sex questions that have been bothering you and Ill give u the solutions.I might not have all the answers but I sure will try.
The first question I got was from Jim who asked me: 'Who's a sex therapist?(i.e. age, qualifications, gender, xperience, marital status, place of residence..etc "
My answer was:-
Dear Jim ,
I am a quack sex therapist so ill give you my qualifications.
Age :- old enough to fuck and young enough to turn someone else on.Especially the opposite sex.
Gender:- Male, Female, Hamaephrodite/transvetite,etc
Experience:- There is not enuf space here to give my credentials.But the experience is enuf.I can send you a copy of my CV on request.
Marital status:- I will marry when I want.
Place of residence :- Your place , or mine.Bedroom is fine but kitchen floor,stairs,bathroom and patio would be ecstatic.Lets just say Anywhere.
So indulge me. Im happy to help.
Send your questions to gyalis80@gmail.com
Yours truly,
Aunt Bee
PARENTAL ADVISORY
XXX-RATED!!
The first question I got was from Jim who asked me: 'Who's a sex therapist?(i.e. age, qualifications, gender, xperience, marital status, place of residence..etc "
My answer was:-
Dear Jim ,
I am a quack sex therapist so ill give you my qualifications.
Age :- old enough to fuck and young enough to turn someone else on.Especially the opposite sex.
Gender:- Male, Female, Hamaephrodite/transvetite,etc
Experience:- There is not enuf space here to give my credentials.But the experience is enuf.I can send you a copy of my CV on request.
Marital status:- I will marry when I want.
Place of residence :- Your place , or mine.Bedroom is fine but kitchen floor,stairs,bathroom and patio would be ecstatic.Lets just say Anywhere.
So indulge me. Im happy to help.
Send your questions to gyalis80@gmail.com
Yours truly,
Aunt Bee
PARENTAL ADVISORY
XXX-RATED!!
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