PUSSY REPELLER

Dear Aunt Bee, 
I have a big problem. Ever since my girlfriend and I broke up 3 years ago I havent had sex. I have tried in vain to get a girl to sleep with me. I masturbate daily and it helps... but masturbation can't replace the bond, intimate feeling of closeness that sex provides. Im so horny and starved. Could you help me find someone to have sex with? If not , woulfd you be willing to have sex with me?


Starvo

Dear Starvo,

First Aunt B will administer a simple Yes or No questionnaire:-
1. 3 Years??  ARE YOU SERIOUS????? Or is that just a ploy to get Aunt Bee to sleep with you? (seeing as you'll be like a virgin and all)
2.Are you extremely ugly
2. Do you smell really really bad, say like rotten eggs? Or do you have really bad breath?
3. Are you gay? Transgender? A cross dresser?
4. Do you have some really really weird fetishes like:- Formicophilia : deriving sexual pleasure from insects crawling on the body, specifically on the genitals, Plushophilia :being sexually attracted to stuffed animals or people dressed in animal costumes, Vorarephilia: arousal by the thought of being eaten by someone, eating someone else, or watching someone eat somebody else, Erotic lactation: breastfeeding for sexual arousal, or anything close?

5.  Do you have an extremely small or extremely large ding-dong?

6. Do you suffer from an illness or disability that impairs you from having coitus?  Or maybe testosterone deficiency?

7. Are you a stammerer? So then maybe the girl scrams before you get the words out?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then Aunt Bee totally understands why youve been repelling the opposite sex and she'll give you the solution to your problem. If you havent answered yes to any of these questions, then why the fuck havent you had a fuck in 3 years??? I mean, how hard can it be to get a girl to have sex with?? Aish, dude, maze youre doing extremely badly!! Assuming that all you want is a lay, nothing more , nothing less, here are some of the sources of chips funga. 

1. The bar: You can never ever go wrong with a bar. Be tactful, dont be a Nktutho; be generous with alcohol. The drunker she is, the more chances that she will go home with you. Make sure you start your hunting immediately you get to the bar coz you have only until 11p.m to go in for the kill, before Mututho gets ahold of you.
2. Muliro Garden - Just buy some yoghurt and go sit your ass on the bench. Someone will show up.
3. Your neighbour's housemaid.
4. The Social Network never disappoints. The easiest is Facebook. Good old facebook!! Try random searches, friends of friends or go to groups with kinky names and add chicas from there.  Then Fuck and unfriend! 
5. There are other social / sex sites - and they are maaaaany!!! Try adultfriendfinder or tagged. Lakini I gotta warn you. 3/4 of the people on these sites are psychos!! It might take you like 3 more years to get laid if you go through this route. Or you could just be lucky, u never know. 
6. Concerts, especially reggae concerts..... ;-)

If all else fails, then buy  a year's supply of vaseline and get protective gear for your palms coz they will wear out. Aunt Bee is not available for zegz, I mean your track record is pretty bad!  But I sure hope you get some soon coz, eh! 3 years!! Id go crazy without it for 3 days!!