PUSSY REPELLER

Dear Aunt Bee, 
I have a big problem. Ever since my girlfriend and I broke up 3 years ago I havent had sex. I have tried in vain to get a girl to sleep with me. I masturbate daily and it helps... but masturbation can't replace the bond, intimate feeling of closeness that sex provides. Im so horny and starved. Could you help me find someone to have sex with? If not , woulfd you be willing to have sex with me?


Starvo

Dear Starvo,

First Aunt B will administer a simple Yes or No questionnaire:-
1. 3 Years??  ARE YOU SERIOUS????? Or is that just a ploy to get Aunt Bee to sleep with you? (seeing as you'll be like a virgin and all)
2.Are you extremely ugly
2. Do you smell really really bad, say like rotten eggs? Or do you have really bad breath?
3. Are you gay? Transgender? A cross dresser?
4. Do you have some really really weird fetishes like:- Formicophilia : deriving sexual pleasure from insects crawling on the body, specifically on the genitals, Plushophilia :being sexually attracted to stuffed animals or people dressed in animal costumes, Vorarephilia: arousal by the thought of being eaten by someone, eating someone else, or watching someone eat somebody else, Erotic lactation: breastfeeding for sexual arousal, or anything close?

5.  Do you have an extremely small or extremely large ding-dong?

6. Do you suffer from an illness or disability that impairs you from having coitus?  Or maybe testosterone deficiency?

7. Are you a stammerer? So then maybe the girl scrams before you get the words out?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then Aunt Bee totally understands why youve been repelling the opposite sex and she'll give you the solution to your problem. If you havent answered yes to any of these questions, then why the fuck havent you had a fuck in 3 years??? I mean, how hard can it be to get a girl to have sex with?? Aish, dude, maze youre doing extremely badly!! Assuming that all you want is a lay, nothing more , nothing less, here are some of the sources of chips funga. 

1. The bar: You can never ever go wrong with a bar. Be tactful, dont be a Nktutho; be generous with alcohol. The drunker she is, the more chances that she will go home with you. Make sure you start your hunting immediately you get to the bar coz you have only until 11p.m to go in for the kill, before Mututho gets ahold of you.
2. Muliro Garden - Just buy some yoghurt and go sit your ass on the bench. Someone will show up.
3. Your neighbour's housemaid.
4. The Social Network never disappoints. The easiest is Facebook. Good old facebook!! Try random searches, friends of friends or go to groups with kinky names and add chicas from there.  Then Fuck and unfriend! 
5. There are other social / sex sites - and they are maaaaany!!! Try adultfriendfinder or tagged. Lakini I gotta warn you. 3/4 of the people on these sites are psychos!! It might take you like 3 more years to get laid if you go through this route. Or you could just be lucky, u never know. 
6. Concerts, especially reggae concerts..... ;-)

If all else fails, then buy  a year's supply of vaseline and get protective gear for your palms coz they will wear out. Aunt Bee is not available for zegz, I mean your track record is pretty bad!  But I sure hope you get some soon coz, eh! 3 years!! Id go crazy without it for 3 days!!

VARIETY

Hey Aunt Bee,

I have a big problem in that I am a young jamaa but chicks my age rarely turn me on as much as women in their thirties and forties. I really enjoy humping these mamaaz and I have no idea why. Is it cos they are bigger and softer? Saaaaaaaaaaidia tafadhali.

Toyboy.

Dear Toyboy, 

Hmm, I must confess I love younger guys!! They've got so much stamina, its like they have generators tied to their waists!! You dont really have a problem dear, same age sex is boring. Im in my (very) early 30's and men my age are too busy trying to make their first million. Older men dont have much biashara going on down there, theyre either already spent, or going through midlife crisis thus running after sweet 16's. But younger (especially college) guys! Now those I like!! But the mature, focussed ones who will keep it simple, no strings attached, and no for 'falling in love'. Just pure, raw, wild, crazy, banging sex! And of course you have a point about the padding, its always nice to have a soft landing. So fuck easy. 


Dear Aunt Bee,

I have this obsession with short girls. Every time I see a shortie I get HARD.. really HARD!! Then when it comes to zegz, I just cant get enough coz the styles we can use are limitless. Is this normal? Will I have to marry a short chic, coz am very tall


Baby Boy


Dear Baby Boy,

Men have different tastes and fetishes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being short sighted, you can actually live with that. One major advantage of having a shortie is that she doesn't have to bend or kneel to go down on you.  And you can enjoy the view while standing.  She is also very portable and you can do her in a Vitz even. I think her G-spot should be nearer and easier to find than a tall chic's. She is very easy to hide in case you get an unexpected and potentially violent visitor, you can quickly shove her under the bed, hide her in the closet (Im sure Jimi Gathu would LOVE the company!!), hide her in your boxers or disguise her as a pillow and lay your head on her. I think you would do fine to marry a short chic! Please invite Aunt Bee to the wedding, she looooves cake!!


Aunt Bee

BEDMINTON

Dear Aunt Bee,
I have been having a problem with my bed auntie, aki it swings hitting the wall kama vita. It makes my exit (from my own house) kila morning be a walk of shame before my neighbors. Nimetry zote, chuma na mbao. Is it fair if i called matendechere na smiti yake to come and make us ya mawe? would that be fare to nature? or should i watch my weight? am i fat? i know i’m my own solution but being the aunt you are, saidia.


Ama-eyes


Dear Ama-eyes, 
Aunt Bee would really like to know what youve been doing on that bed!! Not only are you fat but youve been very very naughty!! Aunt Bee doesnt know a lot of physics (or is it carpentry?) but she knows that a bed doesnt just start swinging on its own!! I would advise that you switch from missionary and try a variety of other positions that will not put pressure on the bed. Try doing it standing against the wall or bending  shaggerifically. You can jump into the shower or do it in the kitchen (assuming you dont live in a one roomed house where the kitchen is the living room and the bedroom and the bathroom is outside) You can get a khamasutra handbook  for further assistance or try the brand new positions like "undertaker" or "tombstone" Another trend that is fast catching on and that you could try is doing it outdoors. Instead of stressing your bed, you could do it on a bench, in the cemetry, in a forest, by the river, or besides a waterfall (now that is something!! ask Aunt Bee! ;-) ). Just think outside the bed. Be out-going. Be adventurous. You will not only add oooh-mph to your sex life, but you will save on costs, and that wont be such a bad thing seeing as the cost of living has gone up you will need that money to buy other things like vaseline on those days. Let me know how it goes! 


Yours truly, Aunt Bee

FARTATIONS

Dear Aunt Bee,
My husband farts on me. He thinks its hilarious, and its really annoying to me. It makes me feel like I am one of his frat buddies instead of his wife, who he might like to have sex with again at one point or another. I don't know how to make him stop. Help?


Smelly Wifey


Dear Smelly Wifey, 
You Stink!! Please excuse Aunt Bee while she opens her windows and doors and steps out briefly for a breath of fresh air.....


Ok, Im back. Now men should realize that women dont find fart sounds or smells the least bit amusing!! Now my idea on how to make him stop might sound a bit barbaric but girl, that man needs to be taught a lesson!! Aunt Bee thinks you should get him drunk to a stupor one night, chain him to the bed with handcuffs, lube up his ass real nice (and this is being far too kind) then stick a cork in there. Then he will not only be unable to fart, he will not be able to shit either!! Then make sure you stuff on lots of pork and beans and fart in his face until he begs for mercy and forgiveness. 


Another option is to get a can of pepper spray, then when he has positioned himself to fart in your face, spray his butt, ass hole, balls and prick with a generous amount of pepper. Make sure youre near the door and have your sprinting shoes on because he is likely to turn violent when you do this.


Well after that you may no longer have a husband but hopefully, he will never fart on another woman ever again so you will have done the world a favour. 




Aunt Bee

SHARON THE SHAGAHOLIC

Dear Aunt Bee, 
Why is it that once i shag a dude, i lose interest in him even if the shag was super? i always get this feeling that i want to move to the next one. i feel like a female praying mantis 'the sexual predator'! i sort of enjoy this but am afraid that its going to affect my chances of getting married....my future plans! Please help. 
Sharon


Dear Sharon,
My advise to you is to shag like a guy.Shag,shag, shag until there are no more guys to shag in Nairobi and you have to rewind the guys youve already shagged or move to another county. Eventually, your conscience will get to you and your shag button will turn itself off automatically.When youre ready to get married, get a guy who doesnt speak a word in English. Then he wont be able to hear the gossip and the rumors about the greatest shageress that ever lived in Nairobi. 


Aunt Bee

NOISY NEIGHBOUR

Dear Aunt Bee, 
I have a neighbour whose sexual exploits are disturbing all the other neighbours. His woman "cries" for about three hours continously.Is it normal for a round of sex to last that long.Your own experience of how long a round should last( and how many rounds a night) would suffice.
Thanx. 

Tim

Dear Tim,

Dear Tim,
The reason why youre listening to your neighbour's three hours of moaning is because you aint got a sex life yourself!!I mean, if i were her neighbour and I heard that I would get turned on and start my own session.So, get a girlfriend.

About the duration, everybody is different.For me, the longer the better.I can be up to it the whole night but most guys can do two rounds a night.For me, it takes 3 rounds.The first is the warm up.

But this is not abt me.Its about you and your non existant sex life.Get one!!!

Aunt Bee 

TOUGH CHOICE

Aunt Bee, 
I have been having a list of girlfriends with most of them just being casual friends or drinking mates, its time I want to settle down with just one of them. I fully understand that for me to bake that life-time cake of mine (the better half), a few eggs have to be broken, but my problem is how do I do it. 


Confused
Dear Confused,
Now, you might want to find out if the "girlfriends" also want to settle down with you instead of assuming that they do.Maybe they just like you for your silly stories when youre drunk or coz you throw them a round or two.When youre ready to shortlist, then you can use the secret ballot, mlolongo style ama picky picky ponkie.Just make sure you invest in a bullet proof vest. 

Aunt Bee